1/1/2020
Feels weird to be back here again.
And yet, there's something oddly comforting about it, like I'm coming home to a house I moved out of long ago, but all my memories are still here, just where I left them. Parts of my life that I carry with me but have kind of forgotten. And looking through my old posts, both published and unpublished, is like looking through one of those toy cameras, where you can flip through photo on film, briefly reliving the snapshots I took over the past nine years.
I felt like I stumbled upon a treasure trove, a rediscovering of things I had once lost. I felt like I was temporarily transported to a time when I was more, naive and outspoken, so willing to share my life and be read like an open book. (Sure, I didn't share every single thought I had, and maybe there were some thoughts I shouldn't have shared lmao, but I'm grateful to myself for chronicling parts of my life that I cherished and thought were worth sharing.)
And I guess that's why I'm back here.
Over the past few weeks, I've been thinking. I've been thinking about my life. Not so much in the sense of what I've done or what I've achieved, but how people know me.
I realised, that I've been keeping me to myself. I don't really let myself and what I've been doing be publicly known, for different reasons. Usually 'cos I'm too busy and I don't have the energy to tell someone about what my day was like, or I still need to process it. At some point in time, I figured that no one cared enough to know, or letting people know would feel like I was seeking attention, or that I would be judged for it. Or I deliberately tried not to show too much of myself to preserve a certain image they had of me.
I realised, that by hiding myself from others, I've sort of distanced myself from reality, like I'm not conscious or invested in the moment. By refraining to talk to others about myself, my experiences, or something as simple as my day, I have less reason to be present in the moment. I'm not so aware and present of what I'm doing and the situations I'm experiencing, or of my own thoughts and feelings about it.
There were probably also moments that I thought weren't worth committing to memory, 'cos these moments were with people I didn't fully trust. It's not that they were bad people, but experiencing the moment with them would require me to be comfortable with them. It would require me to put my defenses down, to be honest and vulnerable with them, just enough to share that moment with them, to cherish that moment with them, in the same way I used to be when I used to blog nine years ago.
I've only entrusted myself to a handful of people. My thoughts, opinions. My struggles, embarrassment, shame. My joys and moments worth celebrating. My memories - my past self. Even then, I haven't entrusted all of myself to these people either.
I find it a little terrifying to think, that there are people out there who "know" me, through whatever shielded, controlled, regulated interactions I've had with them. There are people who have formed a person named "Micaela" in their minds, a person who, in my opinion, is vastly different from the one I've been holding. So when one person, just one person said I was a "delight to work with", I was, to be honest, a little terrified and unsure of how to respond.
Who were they talking about?
I mean, of course the person they interacted with was still me. Whatever work I did with them still came from within me and stemmed from my values, and was just generally how I worked and functioned. But, this person genuinely thought, that after hearing so much about me from others, they finally had a chance to meet and get to know me, in person, in the flesh, the real me, not just some person they had heard in other people's recounts and stories.
I guess I felt, uncertain about how to accept such feelings. I didn't have a response to that, and I guess it was okay 'cos he didn't seem to notice or was looking for one. But I was left stunned and thinking about who was the person they were talking about, and rightfully so.
I guess I felt uncomfortable, 'cos it highlighted how, disingenuous I had been, in a way. The person I had been projecting, was one of functionality and duty. Even times when I was more vulnerable and open about my emotions, it was done as part of a role I had to fulfill and would still be controlled. And I feel that at this point, I'm not putting up defenses out of necessity, but by choice or habit. I'm not saying that I'm gonna be absolutely candid with every single person I know. But I do hope that this year, I can allow myself to at least be vulnerable enough and trusting enough to appreciate and experience and cherish moments and interactions on a personal level, not just a functional one.
I do intend to let this blog be known to certain people, though it's just a matter of exactly who and when. But if you're reading this, congratulations, I trust you, and am entrusting a part of myself to you.
I don't intend or expect you to follow up on me or take on my emotional baggage or whatever, but I figured you may appreciate my honesty, and thought to let myself be known to you. Or at least, include you on my journey for this year. Regardless of whether you read it or not, I still want to write this blog for my sake, for me to appreciate and preserve the memories I'll have.
See y'all sometime soon, and I hope I get a chance to make memories with you <3
And yet, there's something oddly comforting about it, like I'm coming home to a house I moved out of long ago, but all my memories are still here, just where I left them. Parts of my life that I carry with me but have kind of forgotten. And looking through my old posts, both published and unpublished, is like looking through one of those toy cameras, where you can flip through photo on film, briefly reliving the snapshots I took over the past nine years.
I felt like I stumbled upon a treasure trove, a rediscovering of things I had once lost. I felt like I was temporarily transported to a time when I was more, naive and outspoken, so willing to share my life and be read like an open book. (Sure, I didn't share every single thought I had, and maybe there were some thoughts I shouldn't have shared lmao, but I'm grateful to myself for chronicling parts of my life that I cherished and thought were worth sharing.)
And I guess that's why I'm back here.
Over the past few weeks, I've been thinking. I've been thinking about my life. Not so much in the sense of what I've done or what I've achieved, but how people know me.
I realised, that I've been keeping me to myself. I don't really let myself and what I've been doing be publicly known, for different reasons. Usually 'cos I'm too busy and I don't have the energy to tell someone about what my day was like, or I still need to process it. At some point in time, I figured that no one cared enough to know, or letting people know would feel like I was seeking attention, or that I would be judged for it. Or I deliberately tried not to show too much of myself to preserve a certain image they had of me.
I realised, that by hiding myself from others, I've sort of distanced myself from reality, like I'm not conscious or invested in the moment. By refraining to talk to others about myself, my experiences, or something as simple as my day, I have less reason to be present in the moment. I'm not so aware and present of what I'm doing and the situations I'm experiencing, or of my own thoughts and feelings about it.
There were probably also moments that I thought weren't worth committing to memory, 'cos these moments were with people I didn't fully trust. It's not that they were bad people, but experiencing the moment with them would require me to be comfortable with them. It would require me to put my defenses down, to be honest and vulnerable with them, just enough to share that moment with them, to cherish that moment with them, in the same way I used to be when I used to blog nine years ago.
I've only entrusted myself to a handful of people. My thoughts, opinions. My struggles, embarrassment, shame. My joys and moments worth celebrating. My memories - my past self. Even then, I haven't entrusted all of myself to these people either.
I find it a little terrifying to think, that there are people out there who "know" me, through whatever shielded, controlled, regulated interactions I've had with them. There are people who have formed a person named "Micaela" in their minds, a person who, in my opinion, is vastly different from the one I've been holding. So when one person, just one person said I was a "delight to work with", I was, to be honest, a little terrified and unsure of how to respond.
Who were they talking about?
I mean, of course the person they interacted with was still me. Whatever work I did with them still came from within me and stemmed from my values, and was just generally how I worked and functioned. But, this person genuinely thought, that after hearing so much about me from others, they finally had a chance to meet and get to know me, in person, in the flesh, the real me, not just some person they had heard in other people's recounts and stories.
I guess I felt, uncertain about how to accept such feelings. I didn't have a response to that, and I guess it was okay 'cos he didn't seem to notice or was looking for one. But I was left stunned and thinking about who was the person they were talking about, and rightfully so.
I guess I felt uncomfortable, 'cos it highlighted how, disingenuous I had been, in a way. The person I had been projecting, was one of functionality and duty. Even times when I was more vulnerable and open about my emotions, it was done as part of a role I had to fulfill and would still be controlled. And I feel that at this point, I'm not putting up defenses out of necessity, but by choice or habit. I'm not saying that I'm gonna be absolutely candid with every single person I know. But I do hope that this year, I can allow myself to at least be vulnerable enough and trusting enough to appreciate and experience and cherish moments and interactions on a personal level, not just a functional one.
I do intend to let this blog be known to certain people, though it's just a matter of exactly who and when. But if you're reading this, congratulations, I trust you, and am entrusting a part of myself to you.
I don't intend or expect you to follow up on me or take on my emotional baggage or whatever, but I figured you may appreciate my honesty, and thought to let myself be known to you. Or at least, include you on my journey for this year. Regardless of whether you read it or not, I still want to write this blog for my sake, for me to appreciate and preserve the memories I'll have.
See y'all sometime soon, and I hope I get a chance to make memories with you <3
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