Thoughts

Well, it's been a month since I left my traineeship at the beginning of February, as a result of a lot of, what I could only describe as heartache arising from a lack of fulfilment, meaning, and purpose, coupled with a sense of directionless and disenchantment to realise that I wasn't working on what I had hoped. Yeah, I understood that what I was experiencing those last 1-2 months may have been temporary given that I could have been tasked with things more in line with my interest later in the new year. I also understood that many seek and find that sense of purpose outside of their job. And I thought that I could just hold out until April for word regarding my Master's application, but man, the thought of leaving was so tempting, it would bring me such immediate relief to just, not have to feel so much disappointment any longer. To do this day, I'm still not sure if I've fully processed my decision or made sense of what I was feeling. I would say that what I'v...

While the title is technically a dated reference by now, I thought I might as well revive this post. This post was intended to be a summary of all my memories of 2019 and some New Year's Resolution at the beginning of the year. But since we're almost halfway through the year, I thought to give an updated perspective on the post that it could have been. Here are a handful of things that had happened last year, although I mostly remembered things that happened in the later half. 1. Internship: doing daily reflections, my colleagues, the actual work I did, and my final presentation 2. Hans Staying over for 3 months: going home together every day, staying up till 3.30 am to play mahjong, him joining me in choir 3. Mission Trip to Battambang : doing spiritual prep and facil training, the gala dinner, and the trip itself Other things that happened: - My school Catholic community celebrating my birthday lmao: I remember being asked if I was coming for campus mass, since my b...

Over the past few days, I was mulling over a cover letter I submitted for a job that I desperately hoped for, a job that I thought perfectly suited me and was what I wanted to do as a career. But as I thought more about what I had written, and how, cringy it all felt, I started to regret what I had written. I was so unsettled by it, because of how contrived it felt, like I was just pandering to what employers might be looking for. I focused on was trying to come up with "examples" of my skills, which in hindsight, feel like they're pretty inconsequential and doesn't translate into much. I was trying to show that I had made something meaningful and impactful, something to demonstrate my skills, but at the same time, it felt so, disingenuous, and I think really naive. I thought that just like anything I have made, there will be good pieces and bad ones, and this was just a case of a bad one. Or maybe it was my fault for not asking for a second opinion earlier from a car...

Feels weird to be back here again. And yet, there's something oddly comforting about it, like I'm coming home to a house I moved out of long ago, but all my memories are still here, just where I left them. Parts of my life that I carry with me but have kind of forgotten. And looking through my old posts, both published and unpublished, is like looking through one of those toy cameras, where you can flip through photo on film, briefly reliving the snapshots I took over the past nine years. I felt like I stumbled upon a treasure trove, a rediscovering of things I had once lost. I felt like I was temporarily transported to a time when I was more, naive and outspoken, so willing to share my life and be read like an open book. (Sure, I didn't share every single thought I had, and maybe there were some thoughts I shouldn't have shared lmao, but I'm grateful to myself for chronicling parts of my life that I cherished and thought were worth sharing.) And I guess that...