30/5/2020

Over the past few days, I was mulling over a cover letter I submitted for a job that I desperately hoped for, a job that I thought perfectly suited me and was what I wanted to do as a career. But as I thought more about what I had written, and how, cringy it all felt, I started to regret what I had written.

I was so unsettled by it, because of how contrived it felt, like I was just pandering to what employers might be looking for. I focused on was trying to come up with "examples" of my skills, which in hindsight, feel like they're pretty inconsequential and doesn't translate into much. I was trying to show that I had made something meaningful and impactful, something to demonstrate my skills, but at the same time, it felt so, disingenuous, and I think really naive. I thought that just like anything I have made, there will be good pieces and bad ones, and this was just a case of a bad one. Or maybe it was my fault for not asking for a second opinion earlier from a career advisor. While that would be the actual, practical solution to my writing for future cover letters, I still felt like that wasn't really the problem here.

The problem was that what I wrote wasn't entirely me.

What I mean by that, is that the final product I made was something I didn't personally want to make. I made something that I knew would serve a purpose and I just created along those lines, something to tick boxes and fulfill checklists, and I don't think that's wrong, it is essentially what I was supposed to. But what I had created something that didn't personally speak to me, something that I didn't want from myself, something that wasn't genuinely from me. And because of that, I was unhappy with it.

Thinking back, I was reminded of how upset and disappointed I was with my embroidery - because it wasn't getting the attention I thought it deserved. I thought, there were people out there who are putting out stuff that is of the same quality as mine, why am I not getting the likes that they have? I thought, maybe I just haven't found a personal style yet, something that other users can see, and recognise as me. I thought, maybe I just need to put more stuff out there, eventually more people will stick around for what I have. But at the same time, I was already recognised for my embroidery by people around me, and they appreciate what I have given them, is it really recognition that I want?

What was I embroidering for?

At that point I realised, I want to make things for myself. I want to make it because it makes me happy. And if I want to be happy with what I made, then it's just me that I have to satisfy, no one else. That's also what I think I should have done when writing a cover letter, or trying to present myself to others in any other situation. If I had to put myself in another person's perspective and try to imagine what I should look like in their eyes, all I would do is try to fit my assumption of what they would like to see, and end up not show myself, and not fit their expectations anyway. But if I were just honest with myself and about myself from the beginning, then they can decide on whether they would like me or not. And that's up to them, not me.

Anyway, that's also why I'm writing here again. I'm writing here because I had something to say, so I'm saying it. I wanted to create a voice for myself, so I'm doing it. Even after my first post on this blog, I still subconsciously felt like writing with an audience in mind, because I knew at least one person would see it, somewhere. And I guess it is inevitable for me to write that way since this is public on the internet and I am putting myself out there. But I want the purpose of anything I create, to first and foremost be something that is for me, something that I genuinely desire to create. Something that I can be happy with, because I made it for me.

I hope to see more of myself in the future.