11/3/2021

Well, it's been a month since I left my traineeship at the beginning of February, as a result of a lot of, what I could only describe as heartache arising from a lack of fulfilment, meaning, and purpose, coupled with a sense of directionless and disenchantment to realise that I wasn't working on what I had hoped. Yeah, I understood that what I was experiencing those last 1-2 months may have been temporary given that I could have been tasked with things more in line with my interest later in the new year. I also understood that many seek and find that sense of purpose outside of their job. And I thought that I could just hold out until April for word regarding my Master's application, but man, the thought of leaving was so tempting, it would bring me such immediate relief to just, not have to feel so much disappointment any longer.

To do this day, I'm still not sure if I've fully processed my decision or made sense of what I was feeling. I would say that what I've outlined is the most I could sensibly put into words that someone else could understand. But Lord knows, even just writing this and having to reflect on what happened from the beginning of the end, still feels quite visceral and raw for me. 

It also doesn't help that I haven't found any work or internships in line with what I want to pursue, which was my "official" reason for leaving, I guess. I'm under the impression that 5 months (the duration I had between leaving and potentially flying off for master's) was too short for companies to hire me, or that the possibility of me leaving means I'm not worth their time and investment to train. That, coupled with a sense of inadequacy I developed from the doubts I had about my abilities and lack of resilience as a result of leaving my traineeship, has made it difficult for me to try and apply for any more internships. I do recognise, however, that I should let employers judge my suitability for themselves, instead of assuming the worst and closing myself off from potential opportunities. The alternative would be to just apply for some temp job to earn something while I'm still here, which I wouldn't mind doing. But I think I need to sit down and prioritise the things I want to pursue, before I can decide if that's how I want to spend my remaining time.

Honestly, the reason why I'm writing this, is I suppose, spurred from something my father had said last weekend, when he asked what I had been doing since leaving. I replied simply with how I had been taking photos of the things I've made so I can sell them online, and he responded with a comment along the lines of, "as long as I'm doing something 'economically productive'". While I understand that he probably made such a statement out of concern that I'm not being a NEET and that I'm working towards something meaningful, ngl, it did sting a little. Mostly 'cos at the time (and even now), I wasn't confident in the photos I had taken so far, and I was also very aware of how difficult it is to run an online craft business, so even if I was doing something, I couldn't guarantee my financial success. So yeah, concerning myself with being "economically productive" through my hobby, or having to "contribute to society" has dampened my spirit the past few days.

With that in mind, I had looked at a few internships and part time work I was interested in today. I haven't applied for any of them, partly due to the feeling of inadequacy, but also well, I guess this lack of readiness, preparedness, and just general experience. I think it would help if I took a hard look at my resume again and rework it to be more skills-focused, but I also think I could afford to make some of this experience myself, especially when it comes to writing-based positions, to make my own projects, if you will.

While I had been debating with myself as to whether I should work on my crafts and hobbies or apply for jobs, I think I have made my decision: I'm going to spend the next four months working on my own personal pursuits, in hopes of honing my craft and gaining new skills that might have some use in the future when working.

The two major things, really, is my craft store and my writing. Glad to say that I'm currently crafting some stuffed toys, and so far I think they look p cute. Sure, I don't know if they'll sell, and I still need to experiment with photos and take some that I'm happy with, edit photos, list them on Etsy, and publicise on instagram. And given how long that journey is, it's easy for me to be discouraged and assume no one's gonna be interested. But I at least need to give myself that chance, so I hope to get all my listings up by end of March.

Also, if things go well, I was thinking of maybe hosting a stuffed toy workshop, but it'll take a fair amount of piloting and guinea pig testing until that's feasible. The prospect is exciting though, and something I look forward to.

The other aspect that I hadn't focused much on is writing. I'm happy to say that December was p productive in that I wrote a six-chapter-long fanfiction with a chapter almost every week, even submitted a piece for a zine (even if it was rushed lol), and I really should get started on my epilogue chapter. But yeah, it wasn't until I saw a job listing for a dialogue writer for a mobile game, that I realised such writing experience is actually valued. So yeah, apart from fiction writing, I want to write science and medical articles too, if not as a freelance writer, then at least for myself as practice. I also really like the idea of writing an interactive fiction piece again, so that's a thought. I haven't really scheduled when to start on either of these, but preferably somewhere mid-April.

With these two major projects in mind for the next four months, it's made it difficult to think of applying for jobs, internship or otherwise. But I hope that that's okay, to not have to be immediately "economically productive" at this point in time.

As long as I have a map of where I'm going (or would like to go), with a clear sense of purpose, I will be fine.

Wish me luck!